My Life Story

 I'm saving this her for now.  I don't know where but I know it belongs somewhere in this.  Dearest Jenise, I know I should have sent this a week ago. But here it goes. For years I was hurting Jessica without really thinking about it. Jessalynn always called or came to me whenever she was hurt, sick, or just needed someone to talk to. I only saw and understood the damage when Jessalynn stopped talking to me. Then I watched Jessica just bloom finally having Jessalynn's full attention. I swore I would never make that mistake again, meaning with you. When your mom so desperately wanted to fix things with you I immediately took a few steps back.  When you got pregnant and she was So Excited,  I told her that I would only go with you to any appointments that she could not.  Of course I wanted to be The One!! Now I sit here just confused. If I hadn't done that, then I would be the one in the most pain over you leaving instead of your mother.  What have I...

  Surely I have not been through any more loss than any one else my age.  It must be that I just don't have much ability to deal with loss. Something like that? I don't know.  My father dying was a loss. For my whole family,  so it felt like a big loss. We lost our house,  our way of life.  My mother's loss then is still something I am trying to understand.  A lot of things that I had no way of comprehending then are still occurring to me about what it must have been like for her.  She said some things,  like,  "I never wanted children and he left me with you three" and "I hate him for leaving me like this" hurt us so badly that we couldn't even begin to think why she would say such things.  Of course we all took it very personally! They were very wrong things to say in front of us for sure! and it took me many years to really look at Her Loss then.  I see it now,  realized it all years ago but still see new things on...