My Life Story

 Was it good or bad? Maybe just Better.  A necessity when I was married to Steve.  He "went tharn" when confronted with choices, decisions, changes. ("Tharn", "Watership Down", 'like a deer in the headlights')  Now we just call it Being the Matriarch.  That's what a life of being the puppet master made me into.  I do not Choose It any more if I ever did.  But especially now,  in my old age.  I am glad to still have the ability to run the show but I would gladly hand the reins over for my Golden Years. I constantly look for a way out of this job but no one can or even wants to take over.  I would have handed it all to Jeremy like he wanted me to if he had been even a little bit capable.  Jess can pretty much run the house but has no clue really how to keep up with the bills or deal with collectors or anyone.  Jami is still lost in a world of methamphetamine and the characters associated with that.  Oh no.  No. No. Jean...

 I'm saving this her for now.  I don't know where but I know it belongs somewhere in this.  Dearest Jenise, I know I should have sent this a week ago. But here it goes. For years I was hurting Jessica without really thinking about it. Jessalynn always called or came to me whenever she was hurt, sick, or just needed someone to talk to. I only saw and understood the damage when Jessalynn stopped talking to me. Then I watched Jessica just bloom finally having Jessalynn's full attention. I swore I would never make that mistake again, meaning with you. When your mom so desperately wanted to fix things with you I immediately took a few steps back.  When you got pregnant and she was So Excited,  I told her that I would only go with you to any appointments that she could not.  Of course I wanted to be The One!! Now I sit here just confused. If I hadn't done that, then I would be the one in the most pain over you leaving instead of your mother.  What have I...

  Surely I have not been through any more loss than any one else my age.  It must be that I just don't have much ability to deal with loss. Something like that? I don't know.  My father dying was a loss. For my whole family,  so it felt like a big loss. We lost our house,  our way of life.  My mother's loss then is still something I am trying to understand.  A lot of things that I had no way of comprehending then are still occurring to me about what it must have been like for her.  She said some things,  like,  "I never wanted children and he left me with you three" and "I hate him for leaving me like this" hurt us so badly that we couldn't even begin to think why she would say such things.  Of course we all took it very personally! They were very wrong things to say in front of us for sure! and it took me many years to really look at Her Loss then.  I see it now,  realized it all years ago but still see new things on...

 Maybe you've noticed that I haven't said anything about beatings,  rapes, etc. in jail or prison.  That's because I never experienced or even saw anything like that.  It wasn't going to a dangerous Hell. It was just a completely different reality.  Yes, of course there were some fights,  but never anything serious.  The Dykes at Harris County and Goree did really like me but it was always an invitation,  not a demand or even anything disrespectful.  I saw some womwn who were couples but never unwilling partners.  There were women with full beards and hair on their chest,  I'd never seen that before! but I didn't know any of them personally.  No gang stuff either but that might be the decade I was there.  Sure,  there were gangs in the world but I never knew anything about "gang activity", cryps or  bloods. The only gangs I had heard of were motorcycle gangs like the Hells Angels in California and the Banditos in...

 It is absolutely terrifying to get booked into TDC. We were taken to the Walls Unit in Huntsville, which is a men's unit.  It's all kind of a blur. One thing stands out; when they were taking my information they had all of the names i have used and asked which one i wanted to be listed under in TDC. I changed my name back to Kiser after divorcing Jim but that was a choice so I chose Cooper. I think they didn't care because I would just be known by my TDC number to them.  From the Walls Unit we were taken to Goree. This would be the last year that Goree was a women's unit.  The feeling entering Goree has a heavy finality to it.  Six steel doors slammed and locked behind me as I was lead to quarantine.  Quarantine was a row of cells in the lowest level behind Death Row. We were taken to a room of showers,  stripped and hosed down with hot water. Then we were coated head to toe in camphor phonique to kill any parasites we might bring into the prison....