Letter to Jenise

 I'm saving this her for now.  I don't know where but I know it belongs somewhere in this. 

Dearest Jenise,

I know I should have sent this a week ago. But here it goes.
For years I was hurting Jessica without really thinking about it. Jessalynn always called or came to me whenever she was hurt, sick, or just needed someone to talk to. I only saw and understood the damage when Jessalynn stopped talking to me. Then I watched Jessica just bloom finally having Jessalynn's full attention. I swore I would never make that mistake again, meaning with you.
When your mom so desperately wanted to fix things with you I immediately took a few steps back.  When you got pregnant and she was So Excited,  I told her that I would only go with you to any appointments that she could not.  Of course I wanted to be The One!!
Now I sit here just confused. If I hadn't done that, then I would be the one in the most pain over you leaving instead of your mother.  What have I done??
We all knew that you would end up in Kansas.  Even when Phillip said that Jamie would move here,  I knew that would never happen.  But none of us expected it at all that it would happen mid-pregnancy. I still have No Clue WHY everyone being upset has bothered you so much.  It really does ALL only come from Love For You. 
But if I had been the one attending doctor appointments, maybe your mother wouldn't have let herself get so very invested in this baby.  What is it they say?? "The road to hell is paved in good intentions"??  Well,  I sure laid that pavement thick!!
I know you have the best intentions of making sure your family could visit you and Elliot. But I also know what happens to the best laid plans.  I moved away from my family when I came up here.  The first year I went home 4 times.  They came here many times.  But traveling is expensive and we started getting old.  I haven't seen my only brother left alive in 20 years and we are both dying.  It just happens.  Steve and I used to drive to Kansas City to see his family every 2 weeks. We were all raising kids and living our apart lives and that went the same way.  It just happens. 
I've seen you and Phillip at times unable to pay your bills even without having a baby to take care of.  Traveling costs money. The first years of marriage are tough and then come children. 
I had to let 15 year olds without driving permits drive most of the way when we went and got Gabriella from Kansas. I'm 67 years old! Was supposed to die from Emphysema or the brain bleeds Years ago. I make fun of the doctors for being so wrong but I don't fool myself that I'm going to be here or capable of travel forever.  Your mother Should Have gone blind by now,  but she,  too, has beat the odds so far.  But the truth is that her health,  overall,  is probably worse than mine.  We talk all of the time, pray for!, making it until the boys and Jazz and Kira can take care of themselves or at least help take care of each other! with all 4 of them knowing they would be in the back seat when Eliot was born.
We all had every intention to do whatever you needed to help when you had Elliot. I've often told the story about the woman who had 14 children and was asked which one she loved the most and she said, "Which ever one needs me the most at that moment" because her answer was So Very True. Elliot would have been the center of our existence. 
But I knew you guys would move to KC eventually.  We all did. I probably shouldn't have let your mother get so involved,  but at that moment,  I thought I was doing the right thing.  It turns out it was only the "right thing" for me.  It distanced Me. And all of us here Need that distance now. 
I've had a lot of Loss. Some have almost killed me.  I almost died when I lost my brother,  when I  lost my marriage to Steve,  and then when I lost Lindsey when she was 5. That one taught me to build walls to protect myself.  I was Crazy with all of it when I met Jeremy.  I can forgive him for everything now because I know he saved me back then.  Everyone took Steve's side after he left.  Including my own family except for my mother. I just tried to die over and over,  hitchhiking thru Texas, riding with strangers. I did not care about living.  Jeremy got me a blow dart gun, put targets up with the names of everyone who had hurt me,  and had me shoot at them all, killing my whole past.  Yea, it sounds crazy but it was what I needed to survive.  Then he built me my teepee to live in and gave me the happiest year of my life.  Everyone else was dead to me except my mother.  When she died, and only Jami and Jess came to the funeral, and didn't say One Word to me, I was past them being able to hurt me. 
We came to Omaha when you were born.  Your father refused to let me see you,  told me to get fucked when I called from the bus station.  Jeremy asked for the phone and I don't know what he said but your father came with you and gave me 20 seconds to look at you. You've heard the story of those 20 seconds. How your mom couldn't believe the way you looked at me, how she SAW us connect.  I fell in love with you. 
We went back to Texas and I never planned to return here.  Then Jami called in labor with Michelle, telling me she was on meth and oxycontin and was sitting in a bath tub taking muscle relaxers trying to stop the labor or kill Michelle.  Begged me to come help. I had to come back and make sure that she and Mikey didn't get to destroy another child. I begged Jeremy to stay in Texas.  I knew that if I came back here I was returning to nothing but drama and a family who had completely rejected me but he insisted,  was afraid what the family might do with me.  And honestly,  coming back here was Pure Hell. But I've kept most of the Walls up.  I hoped to get Lindsey back when she was 18, that she remembered the years with Steve and me and would come back. She Did come when she turned 16 but My Lindsey was gone.  Has No Memory of the years with me.  That hurt but I still had My Wall. I knew to not get close to her or her children,  not to let them in to just be used as weapons, and that was exactly what she's tried to do with them. 
No, I don't at all believe you would EVER use your children a weapons to hurt me.  You are nothing like her, thank God!! But when you met Phillip,  when I found out where he was from,  when I saw how much he kept them in his life even after marrying you, I KNEW he would eventually take you away. I didn't wonder,  I KNEW. I would ask him about it,  watch him deny that it would happen,  and saw every time that it wasn't true even if in that moment he thought that he was telling the truth.  That's not psychic or any witchy stuff. It was just watching body language,  you telling me, and me seeing, how extremely close he stayed with his family.  I thought that was kind of endearing at first. A Family Man... 

Who can't stand on his own.

And don't get me wrong.  I do love Phillip. I understand Why You love Phillip. 
But I seriously need The Wall here.  I can not let this Loss in or I won't survive it.  I know,  it is selfish,  self preservation often is. But I have to keep going as long as I can for the ones who still need me. That is mostly Riley right this minute.
Of course I, and everyone who loves you!, are worried about you moving away.  It's too many unknown things to even begin to think about it Or deal with.  You had So Little time being the "woman of the house" in your own home with your new husband.  And you might be fine with not being the Woman Of The House,  might even like it, at least at first,  but I know that most women would not! so I worry about your happiness there. 

Here you have family that would always be on your side, something that Phillip probably doesn't have here, but he does in Kansas.  So, if we think ahead for you, we worry what happens if something goes wrong for you there. We worry hugely about your delivery, about the allergies we know about and more about the ones we might not know about yet.  There is just so very much that we all are afraid of for you!! But even if the birth goes perfectly, what will your life be in the midst of Philip's family? Will you be allowed to continue growing to be the amazing woman we see evolving our will you be delicately shaped to be whatever Philip's family need you to be for him??
To Me you are beautifully innocent.  Yes,  you saw a lot of what ugly can be from dating Taylor. Yet we watched you stay in that situation for a long time. Really, really,  too long. Your tolerance for mistreatment has been frightening. All we can do is pray that Phillip stays good to you. I have always said that I loved the loving way he looks at you. I hope that lasts forever! even as I know how quickly love and life can change.
I can't worry about any of that.  I can't direct your future or anyone else's.  All I can do is Be Here as long as I live if you ever need me. 
You have been very careful about saying anything about anything that makes you unhappy. The few things that I know of have been little things that you let slip,  mention in passing, so I don't even have much confidence that you would tell me if you are unhappy there. 
I am sorry that I didn't go for your last doctor appointment here.  I  was told that Sara was going with you - I hope she did so you weren't alone. 
Jenise, truthfully, I would have loved to have family who cared at all where I went or what I was doing in my life. For many, many years I did not. At all. Did you know that I was homeless living behind the gas station at 42nd and Ames after Steve?   I kind of have love and support now,  but it is not at all "unconditional" (except maybe from you❤️), but most of my life not one person gave a damn if I lived or died. My family in Texas didn't even know when I moved to Iowa and my family here was just glad I was gone when I went back to Texas.  That's why I keep asking Why you are so upset that your family is so upset that you are leaving.  Believe me,  no matter how or what is said,  having a family that doesn't give a damn is absolutely WORSE.
BUT, if this rejection,  and I bet it feels like rejection!, whether it's from Love or not! If you have feelings of rejection,  tell Phillip that you need a blow dart gun. You can even put me up there,  too, although I hope to be one of the first that you take down... I'm telling you,  that blow dart gun saved my sanity❣️