The Farm 1985 - 1994

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Letter to Jenise

 I'm saving this her for now.  I don't know where but I know it belongs somewhere in this.  Dearest Jenise, I know I should have sent this a week ago. But here it goes. For years I was hurting Jessica without really thinking about it. Jessalynn always called or came to me whenever she was hurt, sick, or just needed someone to talk to. I only saw and understood the damage when Jessalynn stopped talking to me. Then I watched Jessica just bloom finally having Jessalynn's full attention. I swore I would never make that mistake again, meaning with you. When your mom so desperately wanted to fix things with you I immediately took a few steps back.  When you got pregnant and she was So Excited,  I told her that I would only go with you to any appointments that she could not.  Of course I wanted to be The One!! Now I sit here just confused. If I hadn't done that, then I would be the one in the most pain over you leaving instead of your mother.  What have I...
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TDC intake and Goree quarantine

 It is absolutely terrifying to get booked into TDC. We were taken to the Walls Unit in Huntsville, which is a men's unit.  It's all kind of a blur. One thing stands out; when they were taking my information they had all of the names i have used and asked which one i wanted to be listed under in TDC. I changed my name back to Kiser after divorcing Jim but that was a choice so I chose Cooper. I think they didn't care because I would just be known by my TDC number to them.  From the Walls Unit we were taken to Goree. This would be the last year that Goree was a women's unit.  The feeling entering Goree has a heavy finality to it.  Six steel doors slammed and locked behind me as I was lead to quarantine.  Quarantine was a row of cells in the lowest level behind Death Row. We were taken to a room of showers,  stripped and hosed down with hot water. Then we were coated head to toe in camphor phonique to kill any parasites we might bring into the prison....
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This will belong here somewhere

  Surely I have not been through any more loss than any one else my age.  It must be that I just don't have much ability to deal with loss. Something like that? I don't know.  My father dying was a loss. For my whole family,  so it felt like a big loss. We lost our house,  our way of life.  My mother's loss then is still something I am trying to understand.  A lot of things that I had no way of comprehending then are still occurring to me about what it must have been like for her.  She said some things,  like,  "I never wanted children and he left me with you three" and "I hate him for leaving me like this" hurt us so badly that we couldn't even begin to think why she would say such things.  Of course we all took it very personally! They were very wrong things to say in front of us for sure! and it took me many years to really look at Her Loss then.  I see it now,  realized it all years ago but still see new things on...
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