Solitude

I find myself seeking solitude lately.  A very difficult place to find I am discovering. I look for places to hide, sitting in the cars, hiding outside the house, even behind the garage out back.  Even if they don't find me I will hear them looking, calling my name. I'm on the porch of the vacant house next door right now. Silly. I love them all. Would have no purpose at all without them. 
Why do I feel I need to get away??
It's not like I really enjoy my own company. Even when the house is asleep I don't spend the time alone with my thoughts. Often when I do I end up in such a dark place that I turn the TV on to escape myself. 
Part of it is this. Wanting to write, to discover and tell my story that is fast fading from my damaged memory. In my depression, which I live with almost daily now, I often feel like there really is nothing to say. 
I've fallen a long way these last years. Most of my life I felt like I was a "winner". Like i had purpose and i never doubted that every moment of my life was leading to that purpose. 
Ok. I'm freezing out here. 
Hopefully i am right. I managed to live a pointless life following delusions that lead me to facing a meaningless death in the near future.
Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Maybe I shouldn't be out here risking pneumonia to figure out things I already know.

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